1. When you make the decision to go to Med school, don't panic. Do not run out of the administration building after you receive your fall semester schedule and run onto the highway. It's ok, we've all been there, you'll live. Plus you'll give another med student's day a really bad start when you arrive at the hospital with your foot where your nose should be.2. IF your parents try to make you go into Engineering, stand your ground, defend your opinions. It will be helpful if you got an anatomy book, open up a random page and start bullshitting about things you don't even know to show them that you're smart enough for Med school. It's also helps if you photoshop a picture of you and hang it on your bedroom door. That way when your parents see your chiseled chest, your bulging biceps, your sharp-edged glasses, your shiny hair and your superman cape, with the caption reading "SAVING THE WORLD, ONE PATIENT AT A TIME", they will have no doubt that their son was destined to go to Med school.
3. When you're facing your first finals period, again, don't panic. Focus on your goal. Buy a white coat and hang it in your room, a stethoscope is also a nice touch. if you feel that studying in the coat helps with the stethoscope plugged in your ipod playing "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera, by all means, go for it.
4. When you get your results back, don't call your mother and cry on the phone like a noob. Be a man! Observe the big, fat F on your exam paper. That is the price you must pay to be a doctor, you must endure failure, you must endure crushed dreams, you must endure helplessness, and you must suck up to your professors better next time.
5. When you're in the lab looking through a microscope, please, do not think that the apparatus was meant to perfectly fit your eye globes. Trust me, you'll thank me later. Actually, go get yourself a pair of glasses just to make sure you won't make that mistake.
6. Pick up smoking.
7. Ditch your girlfriend.
8. Beg your girlfriend back.
9. Attempt suicide. Don't pull it off.
10. Replace your Desperate Housewives DVDs with DVDs of every kind of surgery you can think of. Watch them till you memorize the script.
11. Coffee is your friend.
12. Friends bite each other in the ass, so get yourself checked for ulcers regularly.
13. Quit smoking.
14. Pick it up again.
15. Make sure the cadaver in your bath tub isn't producing any weird smells you can't control with some Febreze. If it starts to decay at a faster rate than you thought it would, then get yourself one of those big big butcher machetes, several sturdy black garbage bags and some onions. (The onions will keep you from getting sick, and, if you're caught red handed, you might get away because you showed remorse and regret towards your actions)
16. If you need a new cadaver, don't go to your old dealer. In fact, don't go to any dealer. Just watch a couple of grave-robbing movies and improvise (my favorite is Burke & Hare, but it's your choice really).
17. Once you start your rounds, take a couple of weeks to put yourself on a very short leash. Those are not cadavers, those are living walking talking people, slicing open their chest just to see what's in there won't work so easy (you have to wait till they get into the OR).
18. Do not flirt with the nurses. (I know I know, some of them are young and cute and all that, but come on bro, those are the ones who can ruin your career, so that's a big no no). You've been warned.
19. When you mess up, just......cry. No really now.......cry, it's the only thing you CAN do right.
20. If it happens and you find yourself in a normal delivery situation, please please please please, no.
21. If you're the only one in the room who can do it, tell her to hold it.
22. If, heaven forbid, you end up delivering the baby yourself, do NOT slap its butt. To do that you're going to hang it upside down by the its feet. Now watch the baby slip from your hand and fall on its neonatal head. So...no.
23. If the baby doesn't cry but you really really want it to cry, give it to its mother.
24. Open heart surgeries: do NOT throw up inside the patient. That face mask can't hold vomit as well as you might think it can.
25. Forget those noobs eating Cafeteria food, learn how to cook (oh no!) and make yourself some food to pack with you to your 80 hour shifts, you'll need it.
26. By this stage you're injecting your meat with liquid conc. coffee and spicing up your food with crushed caffeine tablets. There is no specific advice to this really, just the way it goes bro.
27. Congratulations, you graduated. Now, don't marry that cute nurse you've been dating for a year, instead, dump her.
28. If you really really really want to get married and settle down, marry a dermatologist. They make tons of money, have gentle hands and make tons of money. Did I mention the money?
29. Do NOT get involved with a cardiologist. Definite no no. If you must, go for a pediatrician; they're easy to please, just give her a lollipop or a cake and she'll shut up.
30. People die, life goes on, don't beat yourself up about it, do your best and move on.
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