My (other) Father

Sometimes I wish I had known my father. Other times, I would feel lucky that I didn't. Perhaps if I had known him I would have had a template to work with, to mold into while still having some room to edit as I wish. But perhaps I'm lucky, in a way, to not have known him. I am left completely without any idea of what the embodiment of manhood looks like, left to grow into a man I have yet to know and discover. Perhaps the transition from boy to man is one factor in the difficulties and curve balls that I face every single days. I may have moved into a new country and transitioned into a new culture while I was at the beginning of that stage. Many people state that the transition happens a lot later than 18 or 19, perhaps not even until the mid or late 20s. But perhaps I just happened to grow up too quickly, or maybe the people I heard so from don't know what they're talking about. 

So what does it mean to be a man, and when would I reach that state? Will my hunger for growth in character stop? Will my desire and yearning for knowledge and experience grow dull?

My mother always said that a man is judged by his actions, and nothing else. “If manhood was by mustaches, then the cockroach would be the manliest of them all. Man is stance, action,” as she would assert (Translated from Arabic). Over the years I've grown to understand my mother's proverb a little bit better. Manhood, as far as my mother was concerned, was about heart, about balls. She maintained that “a male is a male,” (but honestly, over the course of my life I also heard her say that “a woman could be of a hundred men”). She always pushed me to be there for my family, to have my presence known and acknowledged, because in the end, I was the man of the house, even if I was only 10 years old. 

I recall how she would talk about my father. He was of “true nature” as she would put it, and that “no one could ever say anything bad about your father, ever”. According to my mother, my father was hard working, managed to support his entire family (which was pretty big), and still build a very successful business out of scratch. 

She wanted me to grow up to be better than he was, but I would like to believe that she realized that that would be extremely difficult without him or my older brother around. I would also like to believe that part of the reason why she let me go off to college halfway across the world on my own (something unusual where I come from) was that she realized that she has done all she could in guiding me both as a mother and as a substitute father. Without my father around, it was time for me to find my way, on my own.

I would like to believe that I did the best I could with what I had, but I know that I didn't. If I count the blessings I have that my father didn't at my age I would go bury myself in a hole. If I compare the adversities that we experienced, I don't know what I would do with myself. If I compare myself with my mother, even if I forget the advantage that being male in an Arab country gave me, I would probably start crying, so I'm not going to do that.

I always found my mother's ability to judge people astounding and spot on. The only problem with that was that she believed that I could achieve anything I wanted to, be everything I ever dream of. If I could place my absolute trust and faith in God, try my absolute best, and leave the rest to Him, I would never fail. My mother tried to implant certain religious teaching in me, as any Egyptian mother would do, but she did it in such a way that still makes me think about them to this day. Those teachings would sometimes lose their religious sense and take on another form that seems to adapt to life as I experience it. 

Recently, as I started recalling what my mother would say or try to teach me when I was younger, something strange happened. I felt like every step of mine is guided in a certain way. It was as if I was given the option to choose what to put in my heart and what to say and do, and whatever my choice was, it would be amplified. If I determine the path, the destination, and the means, then I can drop thinking about the outcome altogether.  

Perhaps that's what my mother meant after all. Perhaps what she meant was that a man is only as good as the decisions he makes as a result of what he chooses to put in his heart.

But then again, I'm only 20, what do I know?

A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to them. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandchildren thought about it and after a minute one of them asked, “Which wolf will win?”

The elder simply replied, “The one you feed.”

(Note: I apologize if this seems fragmented. I tried to formulate my thought process and memory recollection as best as I could. If I find a better way to say it, I will come back and edit this)

Coffins

“Each day is a new box. You open it, take a look at what's inside, and only you can decide whether it's a gift, or a coffin.”

I've had enough coffins to balance the gifts. Sometimes the gifts outweigh the coffins, other times the coffins are all there is. But in the end, a balance is always achieved. 

The best moments are those in between the coffins and the gifts. That's when I learn the most about life, about people, and about myself. The stark difference between the two sheds light on things that I may have been too blinded to see. 

I’m not the same person I was last year, last month, last week, or even yesterday. Sometimes it's a bit too difficult to realize that, and that's why I write, to record what I learn and to attempt to make sense of the constant change that I and the world around me undergo every single day. 

Life is never stale, it never stops or pauses. Sometimes it goes a bit too fast, and all I would want is to hit pause. Sometimes it feels dead, same routine day in and day out, for days, for weeks, for months, to the point that an irrational impulse seems like a good idea just to break the routine. But in reality, in that brief moment between a coffin and a gift, I realize that life wasn't going too fast or too slow, but that I had simply lost perspective. 

Between the rage that comes with the coffins, and the serenity that comes with gifts, I regain perspective. I take a step back, detach myself from everything, focus on the moment, and I take it all in. Then, I move forward.

A friend of mine once told me that life is all about flow, and perhaps there's some truth to what that knucklehead was saying. 

Shawn Achor, Macklemore, and happiness.

Alright, I'm back.

You know, I don't know who reads this, and in a way, I don't really care. This is just a way for some thoughts to escape my moleskin journal and onto the web (because I can post pretty pictures along with it). Anyways, I'm back. 

Harvard has this thing called the Bureau of Study Council. Here's how the BSC describe themselves:

"While being a student can be exciting and rewarding, it can also be stressful.  Students often encounter challenges that test the limits of their current understandings and coping strategies.  The Bureau can help students draw upon their existing strengths and develop new ones in their efforts to live a life that feels true to the whole of who they are and honors what matters to them in life."

 As of this fall, they started this little project called "Real Talk". The purpose of this project, as advertised, is for Harvard students to come together and engage in down to earth conversations about anything. So, being the conversationalist that I am (ha!) I had to check it out.

The first time we talked about creativity. We watched a TED talk by Ken Robinson who was arguing that schools kill creativity. After the talk, ideas started being tossed around the room about what creativity is and what we thought about Robinson's argument.

The second time (yesterday), the theme was happiness. The TED talk that we watched was one by Shawn Achor, "The Happy Secret to Better Work". If you're interested, here it is:

 The interesting thing is that he was discussing Harvard students in his talk. I mean the guy graduated from there then spent quite some time working for Harvard as a councilor, he's got to know his stuff right?

So according tho Achor, as a Harvard student, no matter how happy you were when you first came in, two weeks later, your brain shifts its focus on the competition, the workload, the hassles, and the complaints.  And for the most part, it stays that way.

It is interesting how outsiders cannot grasp why a Harvard student would be unhappy. I mean, a Harvard student has access to arguably the best university library in the world, unlimited meals as an undergrad, financial aid to anyone who needs it,  beautiful campus (take Annenberg for example), and a great institution overall. So why would someone at Harvard be unhappy?

As we were discussing this in the room, two things kept coming up. Benchmarks, and expectations (which could be just one, but whatever). 

I'm going to move away from Harvard students now and just talk about this in general. From personal experience, having benchmarks that control how you act or view the world in order to reach them is misery. Note that this is different from having a goal in the sense that a benchmark usually lacks passion.  It is a form of measurement, whether it is academic, athletic, or whatever. If you fail to reach that benchmark, then there's something wrong with you, or you didn't try hard enough, or you're not good enough. And, although you'll keep trying, this just depresses the heck out of you (again, personal experience).

Macklemore has this song, Vipassana, that I think captures this pretty well:
 

"Expectations are resentments awaiting to happen" 

Going back to Achor: you expect that if you work harder, you'll be more successful. You expect that if you're more successful, you'll be happier. But in this way, you're always putting happiness on the other side of the fence. It becomes a goal rather than a state with which you live your life. 

I slightly disagree with the dude about that 10% external influence thing. I think that in many cases, external influence plays a much bigger part, but the general idea is the same. Internal influence plays a bigger part than the external part, which, I guess, explains what a lot of people find appealing in religion and spirituality. 

I'm not trying to say that people should just switch their filter through which they view the world, because it is extremely difficult (trust me, I know). But what I'm saying is that thinking of happiness as a goal rather than a state has proven unsuccessful. 

Since this is my first post in a very, very long time, I'm just going to let Achor and Macklemore do most of the talking here. But I'll be back later. 

cheer,

A

A Smoker's Rant

'If I was 19, your age, and someone gave me that crap, I'd say "it's non of your fucking business". It's my life and my business, so they can't say shit about my smoking'

Smoking is bad, we all know it and we all acknowledge it, but it's legal, so why continue to give me shit about my smoking habits? Perhaps its a platonic desire to save mankind from self-destruction, but if that was the case then how come I don't see the same enthusiasm about saving starving children in Somalia or eradicating disease in Africa? Perhaps it stems from being annoyed and irritated by the aroma of smoke, but since I'm not smoking near you or in your face, then why do you care? Perhaps it's because it doesn't make me smell like a daisy, but unless you're lying next to me in bed or share a bunk bed with me, you really can't complain.

Yes, smoking is bad, but has that idea been embedded in us so much that we furiously attack every smoker that we know, chain or social? Most of our parents smoked, almost all of out grandparents smoked, so why whine about us? "Smoking kills!" yes but so does diabetes and obesity and coronary heart failure, but I don't see anyone attacking another for loving McDonalds or Dunkin' Donuts. I understand that the mere idea of inhaling smoke from dried up burning leaves is stomach turning, but unless someone forces it down your throat or nostrils, what are you complaining about? Smoking is a very very very bad habit and in no way healthy; it destroys your health. However, if we allow people to eat till they're obese and have their coronary arteries clogged shut, then we really shouldn't ban smoking or even complain about others smoking.

Smoking has already been banned in all indoor facilities and most public spaces; smokers are finding it increasingly difficult to find a place to smoke in peace. Tobacco taxes are going through the roof, seriously damaging any smoker's wallet, what else do you want? Ban it completely? OK, fair enough, ban smoking, but please, in addition to that how about you also ban alcohol, cheese, mayonnaise, white sugar and boxing?

aaand today's rant is over :)

Why I think waking up early is a good thing (not that anyone cares)

"It's 4 am, time to rise and shine."

I truly do not understand how I switched from being a night owl as a result of last semester at Harvard to a dedicated morning person. True, it's only the second week of the semester but no matter how hard I try to sleep late and wake up late, I fail.

So what are the advantages of waking up that early? (between 4am and 7am). Well, for one thing, I get to eat breakfast in the dining hall in peace. I do not like eating in crowded areas, and when the athletes come over to Kirkland house to eat lunch or dinner I feel nauseated. Not because I hate athletes, but because I'm against crowdedness; I believe food must be eaten in peace and be coupled with a heart-warming conversation, not eaten in a hurry or spending 15 minutes trying to find a place to set down my tray and eat without being cramped or stuffed in a corner. So yes, I like eating breakfast alone or with 2/3 people that wake up as early as I do and appreciate nice quite breakfasts. Something else that ties in with that is that earlier in the morning I am able to make myself a fresh hot waffle without a few other residents waiting in line and looking at me disapprovingly, like I was not allowed to eat waffle. "Hurry up homez, I ain't got all day", is what I picture them saying if they had the nerve. Another advantage of waking up early is that I can go outside Kirkland House and enjoy my steaming triple-shot Nescafe Gold and follow it with a quiet, pretentious reflective smoke. Now if I wake up later in the morning and try and do that, Scott the House manager would give me a couple of death stares and ask me politely to move to the smoking bench farther away from the House. I like the bench, but I like to have the choice of choosing between the smoking bench and the stone benches right outside the gate. One other advantage is that I actually get the quiet beautiful time to sit down and work on my short story collection or to write a blog post (I'm writing this at 6:30am). It's harder so sit down and write shit down when everyone around you is eating in a hurry to catch class or recovering from a hangover, drivers getting impatient with traffic so they start sounding their horns aimlessly, it just doesn't work. Perhaps another advantage to waking up early is academic (I know, I know no one likes to talk about academics but I gotta give credit where it's due). On weekdays, I actually get to finish most of my school work before I even get to class; this way I'm ready for class and have succeeded in jump-starting my brain to a day full of formulas, science and language learning. So yes, overall, I like waking up early.

quick recap to list the reasons why I think a college student should wake up early:

1. you get to jump-start your metabolism with a big, healthy breakfast without mixing it with lunch.
2. you get to enjoy some quiet time to look at your schedule for the day and prepare for it.
3. you get to drink a lot of coffee slowly without burning your tongue.
4. you get to actually do a lot of your school work and go to class prepared with a mind that's already in motion.
5. if you're a writer like me (whether a blogger, fiction writer, journalist or a poet) you'll discover after a couple of days of waking up early that your mind is clearer and can focus more on writing.
6. if you're an international student with home being at least an ocean away, you get to call home at a decent time for both of you and the fam.
7. you get to read the news before anyone else.
8. if the rest of your day is cramped with academics and extracurriculars that leave you mentally and physically exhausted, you can actually hit the gym or go running in the early morning for an extra metabolism-boost.
9. if you're a religious person, you can have some quiet time for your religious or spiritual activities before the day gets too hectic.

That's about what I learned till now, as time goes on I will probably learn more about the advantages and disadvantages (if any) to waking up early. And hey, college is an experience right? So mix and mash up your routines and schedules and see what works best for you. This article is extremely biased, but at lease it gives you a viewpoint that's worth considering.

(and yes, that is Adam Young/Owl City being a neurotic idiot)

I'm quoted in the Harvard Gazette!!

ya, representing Libya over at H town!!!!

here's the link for the article: New Hope For Libyan Democracy. enjoy :D

What I Will Do For Libya

Hi. Sorry I haven't posted anything new in a while, my city was being liberated from a 42 year-old tyranny, no big deal really.
So I experimented something with Twitter a while ago. I tweeted that I wanted everyone to tweet what they wanted and were willing to do for Libya and follow by the hashtag: #whatiwilldoforlibya. After that was done I searched everything under that hashtag and collected some seriously good tweets. Here they are in no prticular order:

Make an example of myself to the people around me. Promote civility, compassion, justice, freedom.
Never allow any one figure to be glorified like Gadaffi ever again.
I will do everything I can and more.
Open a branch of Becaked (my bakery) if I can, & sell revolutionary cupcakes across Libya :)
Get the youth of Libya off the street!
Teach my children about the lions of the desert & how determined they were to fight for freedom.
Make sure nobody forgets our shuhadaa and what they fought for.
Never speak of other Arabs in a demeaning way, we're all in this together!!!
Allow no one to touch or even threaten Libya's unity! One land for all Libyans!
I will support a strictly enforced anti-gun policy in Libya (apart from military and police ofc)
Realize violence is a LAST option. Honor the memory of those who died by shunting violence out of Libya
Respect everyone, no matter what their point of view. Listen to what they're saying and respond respectfully.
Anything and everything I can! Fdeytak ya eblady!
Call my neighbors to pray in the Mosque with me!!!
Everything?! just let me graduate and I'm going HOME!!!!
Appreciate every grain of its soil.
Lead by example, not litter.
Constantly praise Allah for all that He has given us. Never forget those who sacrificed so that we can survive.
Never ever take it for granted again!
Open up my own school.
Get an MBA in health care and make sure the health system in hospitals is top notch!!!
Help improve/develop the education.
I will do whatever I can to help improve the EMS system in Libya.

I know that the fighting is not over yet and that Gadaffi has not been caught yet, but I thought it was time to start thinking about questions such as; "What Will You Do For Libya?"

Peace